Fake Sex!

Gloria:

Do you want to know what my strangest sexual experience has been?

Stan:

I can’t wait to hear this!

Gloria:

I was introduced to Ryan, a man who had been divorced for several years. His wife had been having an affair for a few years, without him knowing about it. She was an accountant, and he thought during tax season, that she must be working nonstop. When he found out about the affair, it ended their marriage.

On our first date, Ryan and I went out for dinner, and neither of us had cocktails. I wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t eat my dinner: it may have been the 90-degree heat; I swam for over an hour earlier during the day. The restaurant was too hot, as well. Ryandrove me home after dinner. We parked for a few minutes and he kissed me a few times. At noon the next day, he sent me a text, asking if he could drop by – since he was in the area. I told him I was still sick.

One week later, we went to another restaurant, this time for drinks with appetizers. We both had strong mixed drinks, and I went back to his house with him. We fooled around but we did not have sex. He was about ten years younger than me, but he looked and acted about ten years older. Ryan fell asleep, while I lay awake most of the night. At some point after 6:30am, I finally fell asleep. He woke me up at 11:00am, to say he needed to drive me home because he had work to do. I went into the bathroom to wash up, and when I walked back into the bedroom, he was lying on the bed, naked. He asked me to join him. So I took off my clothes and suddenly he’s on top of me, but he isn’t inside me. Ryan did not have an erection! Yet, his entire body was going “up and down” and “up and down” and “up and down” ferociously! It was like you’d see in a film – and that’s what it felt like – being in a film or a soft porn video. I was wondering: “What the hell is he doing?!” When he finally finished, he put his clothes back on and I did the same. This was “fake sex” as I’ve never seen it! It was truly beyond comprehension! HE ACTUALLY PRETENDED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, WHEN HE DIDN’T HAVE AN ERECTION!!! This was the most bizarre sexual encounter I’ve ever experienced! The most bizarre encounter, period! Stan, one of the reasons I decided to have sex with him was for you and me – to add even more excitement to our affair! I can tell that almost having sex with Ryan has made you jealous!

Stan:

That’s true!!! Though if he had really screwed you, it would have been a lot hotter!!!

Gloria:

He thought he screwed me. Doesn’t that count for something? And I looked hot. You would have loved the top I wore, since you can unzip it in the front, from top to bottom. I’ll send you a photo of what I wore. Stan, why was he pretending that he was inside of me? I don’t get that, at all! I don’t understand any of this!

Stan:

Unless it was his first time, he would definitely know whether he had an erection or not.

Gloria:

He’s psychotic!

Stan:

He hasn’t called or sent you a text?

Gloria:

No. I guess it doesn’t matter since he’s embarrassed. I mean, he had to know.

When I put my clothes back on – my jeans and top were inside out because I undressed so quickly. Then we each had a glass of water – that’s all he offered – no juice, no breakfast – just water! I don’t remember what we talked about when he was driving me home, since I was so stunned by what had just happened, or didn’t happen. This was the most idiosyncratic encounter of my life!

Stan:

You know when you are hard or not hard. If he wasn’t hard, he couldn’t penetrate you. He had to have known.

Gloria:

Thanks for confirming it! So, he was pretending he was inside of me, like we thought! That makes it even weirder versus just telling me he has trouble getting an erection. He invited me to have sex with him! I wasn’t the one lying naked on the bed, waiting for him! Why would he bother to “act” since he didn’t have to see me again? That’s what’s so damn bizarre. Well, I wouldn’t go out with him again, in any case. Oh – he did send me one very short text message, but I didn’t understand what he was saying. It was Twitter shorthand, and I’m never on Twitter.

Stan:

I am curious as to what he wants!

Gloria:

Then you go out on a date with him, next time!Answer me this: Why didn’t hetake a pill when he woke up, if he needs an RX for an erection? He let me sleep until 11:00am, so why didn’t he take a damn pill? He made the first move at the restaurant. We were sitting across one another at a table outside, and he pulled up a chair, so that he could sit next to me and hold my hand. He talked passionately about his wife’s affair. I decided “what the hell” and went back to his house with him. Little did I know what was going to happen... AND, one more thing: he told me that he and his ex-wife had a good sex life the entire time she was having her affair. Now that should have been a red flag, right there!